Alli vs the Baconator - The Only Loser is You

Anal leakage: not for sissies

So a while back I was discussing a former over the counter* prescription diet pill that went over the counter: Alli. At about the same time that this diet pill was released, Wendy's put out the mother of all grease bombs, the Baconator. Coincidence? Well, yeah, of course, but it is a funny confluence of events.

So this new burger, this epic lard puck, is pretty impressive. It tastes ok, not great, just ok. It's two patties of the least lean beef available, separated by cheap american processed cheese slabs and strip after strip of bacon. I love beef, I love bacon, and I love cheese. As I have learned, however, it is quite possible to have too much of a good thing.

Seriously, the grease coming off of this thing is so copious that it soaks the buns and turns them into soggy bacon flavored sponges.

...

But that's beside the point; the real story here is not the burger itself, but the burger combined with Alli.

...

So there I was, it was eleven O'clock at night, and I had been on a low calorie diet, backed up with Alli, for a few weeks. I'd dropped nearly twenty pounds. I was feeling great. I was feeling thin and healthy. And I was REALLY fucking hungry.

I snapped, and went to the nearest fast food place, which happened to be Wendy's. I figured I'd get a regular little bacon burger, which isn't that vile as far as fast food goes. Wendy's did something tricky though; they swapped out the number 4 combo for the Baconator combo. When I realized that I had accidentally ordered a baconator, I was thrilled. I mean, come on, what meat eating American male wouldn't salivate at the thought of a burger called the Baconator??? That sounds like fucking meat eater's nirvana right there!

Now, I'm not stupid: I knew that taking an Alli pill with this thing would be a move of profound and possibly epic stupidity. You see, Alli blocks you from digesting around 25% of the fat you consume. And the baconator has about eight thousand grams of fat in it. You do the math. I had images of oil fountaining out of my ass while I screamed in terror and agony. So, no pill.

...

I thought I was in the clear. It had been five days. The thing I didn't realize is that the Alli kind of builds up in your digestive tract. All the food you eat gets mixed up, and smooshed around. This should have been obvious, in hindsight.

So on day five, it was judgement day.

It was the kind of thing that comes on so swift that, if you were driving, you'd cause an accident trying to get off the road. It was like a punch in the colon. My mind screamed "Holyshit!! the Baconator has come back for revenge. You stupid, stupid man!!!" :shock:

I really don't need to go into details, I'm sure, but it was a truly terrifying 24 hours.

...

They say that it may be possible that your only purpose in life is to serve as an example for others...well, at least in this case, that's me. *sigh*

*Curse my scattered brain

Comments

I am laughing my ass off. I linked from slashfood, and almost fell out of my chair. My kids came running to to see what was so funny. Good work, Lou

Glad you like it :oops: I'm just happy that my suffering can at least make others laugh.

^^^ Your spam prevention didn't work...see spam above ^^^

Check your site in Firefox, it's not "completely" blank, as in you can scroll, but you see no content, just the background image...like visibility: hidden...on the body tag...weird...I'm using IE Tab in Firefox to see the site/type this comment...

I HATE MATH CAPTCHAS!!!

Yeah, I've seen a handful get through here and there. The sad thing is that the math captcha has stopped about fifty spam submissions for every one that gets through. >.

Please see...

BrowserShots - plognark.com/?q=node/427

...specifically...

Firefox 1.0.8 / Ubuntu 8.04 LTS
Firefox 1.5.0.13 / Ubuntu 8.04 LTS
Firefox 2.0.0.20 / FreeBSD 7.1

...mine is Firefox 2.0 / Win XP but I couldn't get a clean one off BrowserShots (they are either not loaded or white, which is not the problem I'm seeing)...

Finally some Firefox / WinXP loaded...

Firefox 1.0.8 / Windows XP
Firefox 2.0.0.18 / Windows XP

Something is hiding the whole page, but still showing the background image & has normal scrolling.

To be honest, I have no idea what caused all that... The files seem to be gone now, so I can't see what the references were.

...that's one of the most useful websites I've ever seen, that's going right into my list along with Xenocode.

I see what you mean about the "blank" pages where all you see is the tiled background. That's pretty peculiar, but at least I see what you're talking about so I can take a good look at it.

I downloaded a new module that streamlines creation of a Zen theme, so I think I'm going to sit down and sort of start from scratch with something clean, and run it Browsershots as I do the editing. That's going to be unbelievably helpful!

I have a solution!...in...

plognark.com/themes/zen/plog_zen/plog_zen.css

...you have...

    #left-background-image {
        background-image: url('left_sidebar.png');
        z-index: -5;
        background-repeat: repeat-y;
        position: absolute;
        top: 0px;
        left: 0px;
    }

...the negative z-index is causing the problem, change it to "z-index: 0;" & the whole page displays fine (tested on my comp {Firefox 2 / WinXP}, not thru BrowserShots {cuz I'd have to upload my version somewhere}). You can test this in Firefox 2 by loading plognark.com/node/427, then copy/pasting...

javascript:$('#left-background-image')[0].style.zIndex='0';void(0)
(right click -> Copy Link Location)
javascript:$('#left-background-image')[0].style.zIndex='0';void(0)
(unlinked for easier/alternate copy/paste)

...into the Location Bar...it temporarily forces the z-index to 0 on that element (that also only works cuz your using jQuery to give me the $ function {but it could be written another way, without jQuery})...

Another way to fix it (instead of the above {not thoroughly tested by me}) is to add...

position: relative; z-index: 0;

...to the body tag...both work, but I think just not using negative z-indexes would be safer / better...

Some links / further reading...

negative z-index - Google Search
google.com/search?q=negative+z-index

Negative z-index • mozillaZine Forums
forums.mozillazine.org/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=20413

DIV not recognized by Firefox - It works only in IE - How to replace it for Firefox? - bytes
bytes.com/groups/html/643839-div-not-recognized-firefox-works-only-ie-how-replace-firefox

Bug 78087 – Doesn't display position:(absolute, relative, fixed) with negative z-index
https://bugzilla.mozilla.org/show_bug.cgi?id=78087

Love the non-Math captcha...I hate Math!...

"What is the first word in the phrase "qax xumugiz upeq fana isig"?"

...but I don't think "qax" is a "word"...lol...

Wow, I had no idea that was verboten, I'll sit down today on my lunch break and try to tweak things out a bit.

I'm having mixed results with the captcha. Some of the bots seem smart enough to actually get past them, although for every one that gets through 20+ are blocked.

Anyway, thanks so much for your help, this is excellent!

Wuss ^___^

Plognark, that sounds terrible... I hope you're feeling much better now. I can't imagine that despite not taking Alli for a while and it's still within your system? Sounds pretty potent isn't it?

Yours, Ed

Reading this was kinda gross, but it was pretty funny, especially the picture. I have never heard of Alli but despite the trouble you had combining it with the Baconater it is worth the try if I could lose 20 pounds :bounce:

It really does work, I have to give it that. Just be prepared for some side effects.

In a weird way, the side effects are more of a motivator to eat well than anything else. You really wind up looking at anything that has fat in it as if it was a landmine waiting to go off in your intestines.

Yeah, I've heard of that site... that dude has eaten some frightening things... It's been a while since I was there though, so I'll have to go see what he's been up to :D