Alli vs the Baconator - The Only Loser is You
So a while back I was discussing a former
over the counter* prescription diet pill that went over the counter: Alli. At about the same time that this diet pill was released, Wendy's put out the mother of all grease bombs, the Baconator. Coincidence? Well, yeah, of course, but it is a funny confluence of events.
So this new burger, this epic lard puck, is pretty impressive. It tastes ok, not great, just ok. It's two patties of the least lean beef available, separated by cheap american processed cheese slabs and strip after strip of bacon. I love beef, I love bacon, and I love cheese. As I have learned, however, it is quite possible to have too much of a good thing.
Seriously, the grease coming off of this thing is so copious that it soaks the buns and turns them into soggy bacon flavored sponges.
But that's beside the point; the real story here is not the burger itself, but the burger combined with Alli.
So there I was, it was eleven O'clock at night, and I had been on a low calorie diet, backed up with Alli, for a few weeks. I'd dropped nearly twenty pounds. I was feeling great. I was feeling thin and healthy. And I was REALLY fucking hungry.
I snapped, and went to the nearest fast food place, which happened to be Wendy's. I figured I'd get a regular little bacon burger, which isn't that vile as far as fast food goes. Wendy's did something tricky though; they swapped out the number 4 combo for the Baconator combo. When I realized that I had accidentally ordered a baconator, I was thrilled. I mean, come on, what meat eating American male wouldn't salivate at the thought of a burger called the Baconator??? That sounds like fucking meat eater's nirvana right there!
Now, I'm not stupid: I knew that taking an Alli pill with this thing would be a move of profound and possibly epic stupidity. You see, Alli blocks you from digesting around 25% of the fat you consume. And the baconator has about eight thousand grams of fat in it. You do the math. I had images of oil fountaining out of my ass while I screamed in terror and agony. So, no pill.
I thought I was in the clear. It had been five days. The thing I didn't realize is that the Alli kind of builds up in your digestive tract. All the food you eat gets mixed up, and smooshed around. This should have been obvious, in hindsight.
So on day five, it was judgement day.
It was the kind of thing that comes on so swift that, if you were driving, you'd cause an accident trying to get off the road. It was like a punch in the colon. My mind screamed "Holyshit!! the Baconator has come back for revenge. You stupid, stupid man!!!" :shock:
I really don't need to go into details, I'm sure, but it was a truly terrifying 24 hours.
They say that it may be possible that your only purpose in life is to serve as an example for others...well, at least in this case, that's me. *sigh*
*Curse my scattered brain