Television; or more specifically, advertising

***This is what paying attention to commercials can do to you***

I don't wind up watching many commercials. I have a DVR that my cable company was nice enough to give me, so I can generally avoid them.

But, every once in a while I do actually watch a show when it's airing, and then I have to sit through the commercials. Normally I just tune them out, as we all do, but the other day I sat and really paid attention to them for some idiotic reason.

Commercials are fucking horrible. It's not just the shitty products they're trying to push off on gullible little consumers, it's how they're presented. I mean, the products are terrible, no doubt, but the fake, trite way in which the announcers try to sway your opinion in a 30 second spot is chilling in the same way that a kind and polite serial killer/rapist is. It's just bloody well wrong on all levels.

I know that there's almost an art to this whole process, of getting people to buy shit through advertising, but it's an evil art, sort of like calling upon the powers of the great cthulhu to spread madness throughout the lands. I know people are gullible, and our brains are wired to make us stupid and susceptible to certain types of arguments, but knowing that wouldn't you want to, you know, not be an evil douchebag and leave people alone? It seems to me that the entire purpose of commercials is to infect your brain with inane jingles and catch phrases, like some horrid auditory plague, so that when you see their products that vile little saccharine blight of information that's wormed its way into your deep memory comes rushing back to the forefront unbidden.

Like McDonalds: "I'm Lovin' It" preceded by a brainless little "bada-bababaaaaa". That pops into my mind when I see McDonalds shit uncontrollably. I can't help it. And I don't even see all that many commercials, the shit just sticks there, like a shotgun of putrid memes that waste the activity of precious braincells.

There are plenty more. Like GEICO, the mother of all overzealous ad campaigners. I figure those fucks could discount every policy holder of theirs fifty bucks a month for the staggering amount of fucking advertising they buy. I mean, how many companies do you know that have like, five different simultaneous ad campaigns going on? I mean, really, how good can their fucking service be if they spend half of their budget on shitty caveman and lizard ads.

And speaking of which, one of these days I hope the caveman snaps, grills up the gecko over an open fire and sucks the marrow out of his bones. Then he can track down some of those idiots with the piles of Viagra and Ciais who are always inexplicably hanging out on the beach in separate bathtubs, murder them, and steal their boner meds. Then he can swallow two entire bottles of the erection stuff, and then track down that bitch Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials and bash her over the head with a club and go completely retro back to his roots and drag her off to a cave where he'll have his way with her using his new ten foot erection. And maybe he can curb stomp the Walmart smiley face, shatter the blue K-mart enema bulb looking thing, and brain a couple of walmart greeters on the way there, and perhaps stab Ronald McDonald and the Burger King through the heart with a wooden spear. AT THE SAME TIME. Then it can end with him falling in battle as the Capital One vikings come to steal Flo from him so THEY can rape the shit out of her, but then caveman and his giant cock fight them off but succumbs to wounds inflicted by the viking interlopers, and everyone winds up dead, raped, eaten, or broken.

Man, wouldn't that be awesome?

...

Holy shit I'm getting worked up just thinking about all of the gray matter I've wasted storing this useless god damn information. I think you get my point, I'm going to go sit in a corner quietly for a while.