Sh*theads - a Disertation

For a while I've been contemplating the word Shithead. I think the term deserves a full technical definition, as it applies to a hell of a lot of people. I've heard it used quite a bit on the Howard Stern show, what with the new and improved satellite uncensored version.

The big thing that hit me was when Montel Williams, perennial talk show host, was descriped as "An extraordinary shithead" because of his constant ass-sucking of Sylvia Browne. I found myself, for whatever reason, agreeing that it was the perfect example of someone being a shithead, but I couldn't peg exactly why. The term is one of those subtle little social labels that people know, but don't bother to quantify. You know it when you see or hear it, but you may not be able to describe it all that well.

Anyway, I've been using the phrase quite a bit lately. I've determined that almost all people who argue on internet forums are shitheads, myself included. Some of them are even epic shitheads. I like to think that I'm just a run of the mill shithead, and quite likely an asshole (different term with a different meaning, by the way).

The thing about shitheads is that they don't necessarily have to be rude or caustic to be shitheads. Assholes, by definition, have to be at least a little bit rude and grating. Shitheads can be as polite as a charm school graduate. I think I've figured out that the thing that makes them shitheads is their opinions. There's a second part to this, but it's a start.

Everyone has opinions. Some people have strong opinions. Some people have strong opinions for no clear fucking reason except for...well...who the fuck knows...that's what makes them shitheads. Shitheads seem to be people who think they have answers, and they want to share those answers with you. Not that they can explain how they came up with those answers, and, indeed, not a lot of rational thought is put into these opinions/answers to begin with.

It's kind of like the George Carlin "Full of Shit" routine, where he describes that there are morons in the world, and then people who sound reasonably intelligent, but then after talking with them for a few minutes you realize they're just full of shit.

Some real life examples of shitheads:

Political Extremists: Conservatives. Liberals. Libertarians. Communists. Socialists. Feminists. Marxists. Capitalists. Nationalists. Whatever-ists. For some reason people who've got a strong political stance are almost always shitheads. It's probably because politics is such a "soft" topic, and it's easy to argue almost any political ideology. Political shitheads try to paint their views as black and white, when politics is really a vast wasteland of grays. Actually, that's a key indicator that you're dealing with a shithead: someone who sees things in black and white.

Think Rush Limbaugh, the king of the shitheads, and Anne Coulter, the queen of the angular post-op tranny shitheads. On the "other side" think Michael Moore. In Farenheit 911, there's one scene where he drives around capitol hill reading the patriot act over a bullhorn to congress as sort of a gag. I can scarcely think of a bigger, more pointless shithead move. That's another thing about shitheads: they seem to like to pull stunts to get their point across, even if they come across as a big leaky douchebag.

Religious Extremists: Even worse than political shitheads are the religious shitheads. At least political views have a little bit of logic behind them, even thought they're argued through the language of fallacy. The religious extremists are almost unbearable. Now don't get me wrong, the live-and-let-live types are fine, and they aren't shitheads (at least not about their religion). It's the zealots that get the title here.

Someone coming to your doorstep holding a bible with that post-lobotomy facila expressions and saying "Have you heard the good news?" is one of the biggest shithead statements of all time. Only surpassed by "Islam is a religion of Peace" in the same breath as "Death to the Apostates and Infidels".

The worst thing about religious shitheads is that a lot of them are absolutely certain that they're right, but they don't know fuck-all about what they think they're right about. This is the "ideal" shithead. These are the people who voted GW into office just because he's a "good christian".

Now, don't worry, I'm not just taking shots at the abrahamic faiths here, I've got plenty to say about the Feng Shui, Magic Crystal, Gaia the Earth Mother, Miss Cleo Psychic Hotline shitheads. They can all fuck off too. I can at least understand, a little, someone blindly following whatever religion their parents indoctrinated them in. But the new age fuckers who anthropomorphize every part of life and wax philosophically about reincarnation, chakras, magic red string, remote viewing, alien abductions, and whatever other crackpot nonsensical baseless faith they've bought into are just really nutty.

The best example I can think of is those retarded ghost hunter shows you see on TV. I remember watching one out of those shows out of morbid curiosity, and seeing a woman getting angry and confrontational with the hosts of the show for trying to bash people's beliefs. "Does doing this make you feel good?" she said. This crazy bitch had someone got it in mind that people's cherished supernatural beliefs should never be challenged. She's the epitome of a shithead. Shitheads don't like to defend what they believe in, they just want to spew it out and go through life like a parrot and then get offended when someone dares question their cockamamie bullshit.

This cast of characters also includes nutty motivational speakers, mystics, gurus, faith healers, psychics, born-agains, and yes, I'll freely admit it, even some of the militant "Fuck Jesus" atheists out there.

Kooks and Lazy Armchair Scientists: The next type of shithead is the kook. These are the morons who believe the moon landings were faked, that acupuncture and ancient chinese medicine is always better than modern medicine, that chiropractors are real doctors, dowsing works, and that science is not to be trusted...except when they're trying to support their pet theory that's a "threat to the establishment". Like the religious extremists, these dolts can't actually do fuck all to explain what they believe, they just believe and fuck you for questioning their claims. They're actually about the same as the religious extremists, just with a different focus.

The lazy armchair scientists are a little more insidious, because they're so fucking common. You see, nearly everyone is guilty of this. The top end includes the evolution deniers and the global warming deniers, but it's far more than that. This sort of shithead will hear a second or third or fourth or twenty seventh hand account of some scientific nugget and then pass it on as truth, because it coincides with what they already believe in, or it makes them seem knowledgeable. Even worse, these fucks will take a rumor and then exagerate it into fact. This can range from relatively harmless urban myths to nonsensical superstitions.

You've met these people. These are the guys who say "The theory of evolution is a theory in crisis". When you ask why, they mutter some kind of scattered incoherent response. They never bother to do any of the research themselves, they just repeat talking points. These are the guys who say "Well, the sun varies in output, so global warming is false" without bothering to look up how much it varies, what percentage of contribution it offers, or what point in the cycle it's currently on. These are the same guys who say "well, weathermen can't predict when it's going to rain very well, so science is weak", while missing the point about the scientific method entirely. :proof:

These are also the guys who have a medical cure for whatever ails you. For some absurd reason, they think that their life experiences must be 100% applicable to yours, so whatever works for them must work for you, and they think you're a dick for not taking their irrational advice. "You don't need that medication, you just need to pat your stomach and rub the top of your head at the same time and you'll feel allllllllllllll better!" or "Don't go to the doctor, just take this creepy unregulated herb that may or may not cause heart palpitations, explosive diarhea, and jaundice! It cured my cold in just seven days!!"

See, shitheads don't really think about their opinions. They just have them. They can't really explain them, and they don't like being challenged on them, an they don't know the first thing about logic and how to construct an argument. They thin having an opinion is enough, and that challenging someone's opinion, no matter how fucking retarded it is, is rude. Unless that other opinion is at odds with whatever fucking nutty nonsense they believe in. Then the other guy is rude for holding a contradictory opinion.

As I think about it, I'm probably not a shithead. I am definately an asshole though. Assholes are like shitheads, in that they have opinions, but assholes tend to at least have half a clue about what they're opining on. I'm certainly not quite a motherfucker or a cocksucker, as those indicate an asshole combined with a hateful malicious streak. But yes, I'm an asshole. Not only do I have opinions, but I can back those motherfuckers up with facts and logic.

In summary:

Shitheads:

1. They think they have the answers, and they're going to share them with you, like it or not. They try to pass of their bullshit as fact.
2. Their opinions are almost always irrational. They will often make shit up on the spot to defend them.
3. Even if, by chance, their opinion is rational, they certainly didn't get there rationally.
4. They don't like their beliefs questioned. If you question them, you're a big meanie.
5. They couldn't form a sensible argument to save their lives, and will use every emotional appeal or sloppy jump in reasoning they can think of.
6. Shitheads will never concede, no matter how much sense you make. They care more about humiliation and peer perception than making sense.

Well, I'd rather be an asshole than a shithead. At least assholes read a book now and then. :pacman: